Outsider: Milne's Chewbacca Defence

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Outsider ... Brett Geeves is gabsmacked Stephen Milne only recieved a one-week ban. Source: George Salpigtidis / News Limited

Last year, AFL players handed over a whopping $159,850 (Andy D's monthly salary before tax) in fines for a range of offences including wrestling, engaging in melees, negligent contact with umpires, obscene language and obscene gestures.

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Over the weekend, Essendon and St Kilda became involved in a reasonable squabble that saw eight players fined in excess of $14,000. $14,000 is the cost of importing a red-arsed baboon and training him to commentate with Eddie and the boys during a Collingwood game. It's also a reasonable contribution to a charity. Or, it could be used on a long Friday lunch and blown on the roulette wheel at Crown. Google offers little on this topic so I am a little lost.

Believe it or not, I have been involved in some proper scraps on the footy field. By involved, I mean, stealing the goal umpires flags and waving them feverishly in a sign of surrender.

Claremont (my mob, representing public schools and Ford tattoos) v Sandy Bay (private schools, my daddy's a lawyer and we own a helicopter) in an U/16 game, 1994. We were up by 20 points late in the third in what was a surprise to most as we hadn't won a game all year. Sandy Bay cry foul and call us for having 19 players on the field. The game stops for a head count and is it turned out; Sandy Bay were guilty of having too many on the field.

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As this was being discussed, one of our players (who had somehow got away with wearing a plaster cast underneath a long sleeve jumper) charged an opposition player and knocked him out cold with a donk to the forehead! The result? The private school fathers removing their watches and jackets before charging the field for retaliation and once our dads had properly fitted their knuckle dusters, they too were on the field. 

The only other time I've seen more punches thrown in a public place was when Mark Riccuito single handedly belted the entire Port Adelaide Football Club at the Ramsgate Hotel back in 2000. I don't know how this incident got 30 words in the Advertiser the next day, but I do  know this; if I walk down the street and make negligent contact with an umpire whilst screaming:

"YOU ARE RUINING THE GAME WITH YOUR INABILITY TO GET YOUR HEAD AROUND THIS SLIDING RULE AND PAYING 50M PENALTIES FOR PLAYERS INVADING OTHERS SPACE AND PLAYERS NO LONGER PLAYING THE WHISTLE BECAUSE OF YOUR INCONSISTANCIES WITH THE ADVANTAGE RULE AND WHY ARE YOU CRYING!?"

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Not only would I need to take a giant breathe afterwards, but I would also be charged with common assault and chased down the street by a Today Tonight journalist.

After whacking the journalist, my charges would be increased to more common assault and a public stoning (much like college) and the incident would make that 20 to 1 TV show "Moments of Madness" where Bert Newton gets former Big Brother contestants/so called celebrities to make gags on incidents like mine.

If I walked away with a $2100 fine from the ensuing court case and no jail time, my legal aid lawyer, Denis Denuto, could activate his "no win no pay" policy, because this is a big win and would result in enough funds to get his photocopier fixed.

Stephen Milne, on the other hand, must have employed Johnnie Cochran to enforce the "Chewbacca Defence" in his face gouging charge.

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The fact that players like Jack Ziebell – genuine ball watchers – can receive 4 week suspensions for incidents that are an integral part of our game and Milne can scratch and gouge at a defenceless player's face and only receive a week is a farce. Honestly, I can't get my head around it.

This is the type of action that brings our game into disrepute and a much harsher penalty should have been handed down on Milne. Reward the ball hunters and punish anyone that is intentionally causing harm to others.

There is no room in our game for this sort of cheap shot. I would much rather see two blokes go toe to toe - insert mental image of Lynch v Wakelin – at least both players have an equal chance of defending themselves.

Courtney Dempsey was stuck in a tackle and had no chance at stopping Milne from being the "tip rat" that James Brayshaw has made him famous for.

I had a night at the MCG, some time ago, where I was forced into drinking spirits with a group of mates. I say forced, because the only other option was to swallow mid-strength beer and that is like drinking milk straight from the teet of a possum.

Off topic slightly, but how is it possible that you can get a full strength Vodka at the G, but not a full strength beer? Like most beer drinkers, if I even sniff a spirit, my pants are being worn as a hat and impromptu renditions of the Macarena are performed. So, on this night, we were seated in the heart of the Collingwood cheer squad which meant two things for me:

1. Wearing my pants on my head and performing the Macarena whilst standing on a chair. This meant that my behaviour was rewarded by security staff as that of a sane person;

2. I had the opportunity to witness the abuse Stephen Milne gets from opposition supporters. I may have had a crack myself, but again, quite tame in comparison to what was dished by new found Collingwood friends. I can't believe he didn't jump the fence and rip faces off. I've never heard anything like it. Remarkable.

I guess there are always two sides to the story and you can possibly see why Milne is capable of questionable behaviour. When he has a bad night, his level of frustration obviously reaches boiling point and he acts out in a manner that I'm sure he regrets. We have all been down this path. I now regret stealing a child's football on the way out of the G that night.

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