Wallabies are sport's Labor Party

Written By Unknown on Jumat, 13 September 2013 | 20.47

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IT'S been hard to know who has a worse run over the past few years: the Australian rugby team or the Australian Labor Party. Infighting, scandal, leadership changes, public apathy and a horror 2013 campaign that saw humiliation unfold last Saturday.

And Labor has been pretty bad too.

So with Wallaby fans desperately crying out for solutions, a plan of radical ideas is required to rescue Australian rugby. 

There was only one man for the job, so here is Jaymes Diaz's six-point plan to stop the boatload of losses*.

(*Disclaimer: Jaymes Diaz was unable to be found, so Iain Payten stepped in.)

1. Turn back the Boks (and the Kiwis).

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Defence was once the cornerstone of Wallaby world dominance, and if not that, it was at least a red-brick footing of competitiveness. In recent times, the Wallaby defence has had all the solidity of balsa wood – averaging almost 32 points per Test – so plugging the leaks has to be a major priority.

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The solution for Ewen McKenzie lies in a raid of the northern hemisphere, where two of his old colleagues now ply their craft.

McKenzie needs a specialist defence coach, and he should do all he can to poach Les Kiss back from Ireland. Kiss was McKenzie's defence specialist at NSW from 2004, where the Waratahs averaged less than 16 points a game in the three years they made finals (2005, 08) and a semi-final (2006). 

The Wallabies have a defence coach in Nick Scrivener, but his is a makeshift role. Scrivener was the skills coach under Robbie Deans.

The sticking point is Kiss just signed a new three-year deal with the IRFU, but what's a contract these days? Am I right Ricky?

If Kiss can't be poached, McKenzie should yank Matt Taylor back from Scotland. Taylor was the defence guru who got Queensland down from 28 points a match to less than 18 points. The Reds won the title in 2011, holding the Crusaders to just 13 points in the final.

2. More 457 visas for skilled migration to rugby

Signing backs from rugby league is fine, and there've been a few good-uns. That Israel Folau shows potential with his three touches a game.

But if there is to be recruiting of leaguies in the future, how about looking to target an area in need – the forwards?

Australia need far more hard men willing to mix it up on the aggression front with the Springboks and All Blacks. The Wallabies are suffering from mongrel deficit. 

Every NRL pack is stocked full of mongrels. Blokes who not only love belting ball-runners, but know little else. Blokes who know their role is to bring the muscle and patrol the advantage line, ejecting people with prejudice.

It's an open secret rivals view Australia as soft at the contact, but put Nate Myles and Anthony Watmough in the backrow and enjoy the show. Yes, league forwards may take time to learn the set-pieces and the breakdown nuance, but stuff nuance. Dominant hits trump nuance.

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It might not be that far off, actually. Michael Cheika talked about wanting a Burgess brother in his pack, and he seriously eyed off a Roosters prop.

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3. More factional brawling

Otherwise known as "more biff". The Wallabies can come across as vulnerable to being pushed around even.

There is no better signal to a Springbok pack, for example, that you are not soft than a bit of a blue. Dan Vickerman used to love sparking them, and Nathan Sharpe deliberately started pushing and shoving over precisely nothing in Perth last year.  It was all tactical, and he conned hothead Eben Etzebeth into headbutting him.

Punches are rare because one will get you binned these days, but the value of an old-fashioned handbag session can sometimes be worth the risk to ignite passions, connect a team and tell a rival you won't be bullied.

4. Immediate policy backflip

It'd be great if the Wallabies' run-run-run strategy won games. Right now, it doesn't and the sooner Australia lets go of a supposed "Wallabies style", the sooner it can get back in the business of winning.

The All Blacks and Springboks are privately delighted Australia tries to attack doggedly from their half all game, lining up for defenders like bad-guy fodder in a ninja movie. The Kiwis and Boks hoist endless highballs and long kicks, and back themselves to force turnovers or penalties in the Wallaby half. Then they pounce. 

So if you can't beat them, hurry up and join them. The Wallabies need to mirror those tactics, with a focus on using pressure, not pizazz, to score points and win. 

Benevolent Kiwi guru Graham Henry reckons it's not wise, saying yesterday: ""I don't think you are going to win games by playing chess-board rugby and kicking the balls in the air and chasing it. That's not the way Australians play, and they haven't got the forward pack that can give you that sort of dominance."

Thanks Graham. Attention Wallabies, here's the new gameplan: play chess-board rugby, kick the balls in the air and chase it.

Defend, contest, defend, scrap and defend some more, and when the ball is won in the opposition half, then have a crack.

It might not meet head office's desire to entertain the masses, but seriously ARU, if you think the last three weeks qualifies as entertainment, I have a bridge to sell 

you. It can't get any worse.

5. Pick and stick in key seat

Decide on the best no.10, and keep voting for him. If in doubt, lean towards a candidate who can tackle and wasn't also a project player in the last World Cup cycle.

6. Control the front bench

Or, as it is called in rugby, the front row. It is ludicrous – and quite clearly a factor in Australia's ongoing scrummaging woes – that Wallabies props continue to swap sides more often a nervous independent. Ben Alexander plays mostly loosehead for the Brumbies but then becomes tighthead for the Wallabies. James Slipper is mostly no.3 for the Reds but then no.1 for Australia. Sekope Kepu plays both sides within weeks, and so does Scott Sio.

Here's a quick thought: can someone please just play tighthead all year and get damn good at it? Is that so crazy? Clearly New Zealand and South Africa don't think so. 

Yes, Super Rugby coaches have different ideas from Wallabies selectors but take a look at the next crumbling scrum (any second now) and try arguing with a straight face that it's all working out well. It's not. Top-down control is required.


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