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Test Match ... Media restrictions force creative coverage. Source: Sam Ruttyn / News Limited
There a few things you need to know about India.
1. It smells
2. It's hot
3. It smells
I have had the pleasure of travelling India as both a cricketer and as a tourist. I can tell you now, travelling there as a cricketer is a far different experience.
As a cricketer, you get to travel in style, five-star hotels are the norm, business class air travel (most of the time, I will touch on this down the track - but not as far down the track as Eddie Cowan) and locals wanting to carry your bags in return for "one snap".
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"One snap" is a request for a photo and it was requested of Glenn McGrath and the other international players during my stay as a Delhi Daredevil.
When I was requested for "one snap", it was to take the "one snap" of the requester and Mr McGrath.
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"Mr Physiotherapist, can you please take a snap of me and Mr McGrath?".
I only complained once and this was when Virender Sehwag asked that I take "one snap" of himself and Mr McGrath. "Oi, you, take one snap of me and Mr McGrath, then I see you for massage of Virender's feet". Oh boy. Sad but true.
As a tourist, you get asked for "no snaps" and are met with no fan fare. You will inevitably swallow some tap water along the way and as far as a weight loss program goes, I can highly recommend it.
Forget drinking shakes and running and other stuff associated to weight loss; buy a return ticket to India once a year, drink the tap water and head home.
It's a sure fire way of losing eight kilos in 48 hours and having an entire plane load of people hate on you because a doctor takes 45 minutes to ensure it is safe that you enter the country!! Oh boy. Sad, but again, very true.
The home of the first test, Chennai, is a place that brings back many fond memories.
1. It smells
2. It's hot
3. It smells
It is so hot in Chennai that in an Australia A v India A game, I saw an elephant fielding at backward square leg.
I was so dehydrated and delusional, I spoke to the elephant and he called me a pie thrower. We had an argument that I'm pretty sure went unnoticed by the rest of the team.
Two overs later, I was involved in another altercation, this time with Indian batsman Virat Kohli. He was upset that we were bouncing him too much and that the umpires were favouring us. Yep, two local umpires, in Chennai, favouring the Australia A team, in 45 degree heat.
This was as likely to happen as an argument with an actual elephant at backward square.
So, I did what any dehydrated and mentally spent bowler would do, I bowled an intentional beam ball (hand to head without bouncing) at Virat Kohli and told him that there was an elephant on the field who was dressed up like a princess and that the elephant wanted his blood on the wicket. Sad, but again, very true.
You can't imagine what happens to your body and mind when you play in these types of conditions. It's like playing a game of cricket in a sauna or attempting to play a pull shot with your head in the oven.
This tour is the most physically demanding tour of any on the international circuit and one that Australian teams have generally struggled.
Our failures in India have come from our inability to play quality spin bowling. I don't think I am unravelling any secrets here.
Our domestic wickets over the past six years have been set-up for the quicks to do the damage, to ensure a result is achieved.
This has meant that any spinner with a glimmer of ability has been forced to bowl defensively when plying their craft in the domestic ranks, as they are getting the ball in over 60, when the seam is flatter than a Queensland toad who has been run over by a Ford ute with RM Williams stickers on the back panel and a big-arse antenna protruding from the front bonnet.
There are only negatives to this. Someone will have to clean toad guts from the side of the car and Australian batsmen don't get to face quality spinners on wickets that have a little assistance for the slow men.
When our spinners do get this chance, it takes them 40 overs to get out of the defensive mindset that they have become accustomed and by this time, it is too late.
For any young children who watched the FOX SPORTS coverage, please take note of Michael Clarke's footwork to spin bowling. He is as far forward as he can go, or he is as far back as he can go.
When he advances down the wicket, he is on his toes and isn't always doing it looking for a boundary. He is a smart player of spin bowling. No, he is the perfect player of spin bowling but how many did he score today? 100..
* If anyone comes across that Elephant, his name is Stumpy and he is a chirpy prat who got a giant head after being the face of the 2011 World Cup.
THE PHOTO
Our photographic resources for the Test series in India have been affected by a dispute between the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) and some international news organisations. The BCCI has refused access to Test venues to these picture agencies. Fox Sports' access to photos of the action will be severely limited by this action. In place of current Test images we may use file images or these creative reconstructions, combining the resource of a Test match cricket table top game and the news.com.au sports department.
